On lying in bed woke

Hung over. I’m up but I’m down in bed for at least three hours napping, waking up checking Instagram among news and about three and a half minutes of hard pornography, back in for another nap while considering a run or at least meditating. These thoughts enter my mind:

Beds are wonderful planets of laziness.

Alcohol sometimes stimulates my capacity to let go of all expectation, which then fuels my creative capacity.

I could feel bad or guilty, but honestly I’ve just resigned to playing a bit of piano and finishing The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen and if that’s all I achieve today, relaxed on a Monday, life will be pretty good.

UPDATE: Went for a run and now I’m pooping, for a second time! On this toilet here I sometimes imagine sewer creatures crawling up through my wee sphincter. No thanks!

things I do instead of writing: on masturbating

I’m on the phone my mother gave me looking at porn in bed at a little before twelve, a few seconds too long my thoughts contain traces of parents, shame, ergo first blog post: what I do besides writing.
I masturbate often, most of the time just to ignore other feelings. Sometimes because I’m horny. Sometimes because I’m not quite tired enough yet.

I drink enough socially to be diagnosed.

I work in my parents’ pancake restaurant on an island in the North Sea, the NLs.

I live on that island.

Sometimes I run on the beach for a bit after masturbating.

I read, inconsistently varying between poems from collections like ‘the Rattle Bag’, ‘on writing’ books (my favourites are ‘Mysteries and Manners’ and ‘The Literature Machine’), switch between Dutch and English lit, reading Couperus and Franzen, Oe and Bolaño. Intermittently masturbating.

For unknown reasons I constantly check the BBC/Irish Times after masturbating.

I’ve become addicted to checking my Instagram, mostly for selfish reasons: likes, disasters, failures, sports.

I watch rugby.

I chronically self-obsess, then I write a little. I drive and drive without mind and I write. I close my eyes and take a breath or two, meditate for twelve to fifteen seconds and I accept a little chaos into my life. Then I write whatever, editing some work, smoking a cigarette.